My Journey Part Two: I Shrink

I lost 20 lbs from my 9-months-pregnant weight, and hovered right around there for about five or six years.

And then I got sick and tired.

It wasn’t people’s comments that did it. And it wasn’t the fact that I saw myself in a photo, holding my baby son, no less, and thought, that’s weird, I thought this was the one that I was in. And then seeing my face, pale and miserable and FAT. And it wasn’t the constant exhaustion. It was none of those things. I became ready. I don’t know what the ultimate trigger was, I just became ready to make changes in myself. I never “related” to the “fat me.” I never felt like the outside of my body matched who I felt like I was on the inside. Never in my life.

The divorce helped. Not because I was stressed to my limit, or because I was working two jobs (though those things were true, and were factors). I was dumped by a boyfriend who only wanted to hang out at my house and get pizza, so some amount of weight started to come off pretty easily when that stopped. (I’d been separated from my spouse for over a year before I started seeing this guy, but we hadn’t gotten around to filing the paperwork yet, which was an idiot move.)

I bought grey dress slacks at Target to wear to see my lawyer for the first time. Size 10, and they fit beautifully. It was the first time in a long while (maybe ever?) that I liked the way an article of clothing looked on me. I wore them again when we went to court, and they hung so loosely on my body that I wondered if they’d stay up. I kept them for awhile because I’d loved them on myself and I didn’t trust my body not to gain the weight back, but I never wore them again, and I eventually donated them.

I had been attending a spiritual group. Weight didn’t start melting off right away, but it bears mentioning, because I came to better understand the void that I was trying to fill with food, and I began learning to nourish myself in other ways. To take care of myself in other ways.

And at my new job, my second job, a coworker was also direct-selling shakes and supplements. I did some three-month challenge where I replaced two meals a day with a shake (sometimes adding fruit, yogurt, cocoa powder, or other mix-ins). It helped me become very conscious of what else I was putting into my body the rest of the time. I had stopped eating any meat other than seafood (I cut out seafood a year or so after that, and 3 or 4 years after that point I would stop eating animal products altogether).

I got down to a size 4 or 6 when a good friend told me about the Master Cleanse. He had read all about it, and prepared me the signature lemonade drink to try — it was delicious, and curbed my appetite nicely. He began his first cleanse, and I bought the book. I had been looking to try some form of a cleanse program anyway, and I trust this friend to always find the best version of anything he ever does or tries. So after he spent a few days on his cleanse and reported how well he felt, I began a cleanse as well. (I’ve done maybe 10 or 11 Master Cleanses, total, at this time.)

I continued being very vigilant with what and how much I ate for a while, and began doing cleanses quarterly. I got down to a size two, but never looked or felt unhealthy — I retained my curves. I’m shortish and small-framed. But I began to receive attention that I wasn’t thrilled with. I didn’t lose weight for the attention, and it made me uncomfortable.

(I’ll conclude this next time I post.)

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